Bad. Just.......bad.

I went on a date with a guy last week. Yes. A date.

He's a lawyer and....well, since it went so badly....I'm changing his name to protect the innocent. We'll call him......"Bill". I'm not telling how we met. It's a secret. *awkward cough*

Mooooooving on.....

We decided to go for sushi. I love sushi. Sushi loves me. "We looooovveeee each other." (Kudos to you if you get that movie reference btw!) If you're reading this...you probably already know that I lurve it. But, if you didn't know before, you do now! We should go get some.

We met up at Sekesui in midtown....took our seats....and awkwardly began our conversation. He wasn't very talkative, so I thought "work" would be a good topic to start with.

Work. Part One:

"So, what type of work do you do?" I asked.

"Well, I get appointed to a lot of criminal and juvenile cases."

"Wow. That must be pretty difficult at times! Do you ever come across any moral delimmas?" I thought this would be an interesting route to take.

"No. Not really."

I was wrong. Route closed.

*Blink. Blink* I stare blankly at him. "Really?" I ask. This was NOT the answer I had anticipated.

"Well, sometimes I have to defend the parents of neglected juveniles." He shrugs nonchalantly.

"And you've never come across any moral delimmas in that?"

"Nope. It's all in how you look at it."

I'm not convinced. I'm sure it was all over my face, too.

"For example....once, I had to defend a mother who was accused of beating her daughter with a baseball bat. The judge didn't really like my argument."

I sat there for a second in shock.

"Well....what was your argument?"

"I argued that if she HAD beat her daughter with the baseball bat...she at least did it properly, since her daughter didn't have any broken bones."

Wow. I mean......just......wow.

Work. Part Two:

"I also had to defend a woman who admitted to using crack while she was pregnant," he said.

"Wow. That's really sad! How'd you do that? Was it difficult?"

"Nah. Well, how do you know that she was really smoking crack? Maybe she just THOUGHT she was smoking crack."

"If she was stupid enough to THINK she was smoking crack when she wasn't, then she's probably too stupid to take care of a baby." Yes. I did actually say that.

From here, we moved on to family. Since he wasn't much for conversation, I started.

Family.

"So, what do your parents do?"

"They're retired."

Come on guy. Throw me a freakin' bone.

"Ok. What did they do before they retired?"

"My mom was an elementary principal."

"Oh really? Did she like that?"

"Yeah. She likes to be in control."

Wow. Busting out the family issues on the first date. I thought.

"Oh. So she's kind of a control freak then?"

"Let's just put it this way. I don't mind people being controlling....as long as it's not ME they're trying to control."

Awwwwwwkkkkwwwarrrrddddd.

The check.

The waitress eventually came over.

"What would you guys like to do about the check?"

Bill stared at me and blinked blankly.

Sooooooo, guess we're not going to do the check dance then! You know....the whole, "I'll get it!" "Oh no! Please, let me!" "No, really, that's ok! I can get it!" "No, no! I'd really like to pay." Nope. None of that. Just awkwardness. Staring. Me. In. The. Face.

The waitress started to look awkward, too....so I just said, "You can just go ahead and split it down the middle. That'll be fine. Thanks"

As I'm handing her the check and my card, I think to myself, "This date couldn't get ANY worse if my card got declined."

Then, the most humiliating thing EVER happened.

"Ma'am. This card was declined. I tried it twice. Sorry."

Bill stares at me. I'm inwardly freaking out. My face is BURNING.

"How am I going to pay for my dinner??? Why was my card declined???? What am I going to do??? I forgot my cell phone! I wonder if they'd let me wait tables for a few hours! Or wash dishes??" I mean, dining and dashing was not beneath me at this point people.

"I can't believe this happened! I know I have money on here!"

Bill stares at me.

"Somebody could've stolen your identity," he says.

Wow. Way to make me feel better.

"I'm going to go call really quickly. I forgot my phone. I'll be back."

I got up to use the phone behind the bar....and the touch tones didn't work. I tried pretty much beating number 1 with my pointer finger over and over.....I probably even said a word or two that I shouldn't have.....but I kept hearing "For account information, please press 1." I hung up. There's only so many times you can hear your "options" without being allowed to choose and not completely loose your mind.

I went back to the table for more fun times.

"Can I borrow your phone? The touch tones wouldn't work on theirs." I looked pretty humiliated and pathetic I'm sure. He let me use his phone. That was nice of him.

I had decided that this was the worst night EVER.

"You have $1,476, 879.14 available."

Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating.....but I had money on the card.

Bill was still looking at me. It wasn't helping. Couldn't he have just looked at something else???? I mean, really!!

We had to have sat there for like 15 minutes. He was just watching me freak out....make phone calls....sweat.

FINALLY. FIIINNNNAAALLLLYYYYYY, he says, "I can cover you. Don't worry about it."

Gee. Thanks "Bill". Thanks for covering for me. REAL sweet of you. Just REEEAAAALLLLLL sweet.

To this day, I don't know why my card didn't work. I called the bank. Everything was fine.

God certainly does have a sense of humor, huh?

Not only did He let me meet someone who seemed void of any kind of moral compass, have controlling mommy issues, be very awkward conversationally (which is weird, because normally, no conversation is awkward for me), and know just how to make me feel less humiliated in probably one of the most humiliating situations I've EVER been in, but........at least the meal was free. HA!